Someday you’ll find me

Some days you’ll find me
In bed for a while
Tuned for your energy

Word’s out, I spent the cash
Maybe you heard my song
But you never returned the cast

You must be out there
But not where I looked
My beacon needs repair

Come on, show a little sign
A call, a signal, or
A few bars on a line

Your love will set me free
Just need to believe
Someday you’ll find me

Commentary:

Asked ChatGPT to critique the poem above. It gave some good feedback, see below.

It made up a title, which I didn’t like, and gave a few pointers for improvement, which I think were legit. But when I asked for a rewrite based on its suggestions, I didn’t like the result. I liked my original version much better. However, I did like its recommendations that I added the second to last paragraph.

From ChatGPT:

Certainly, let’s delve into a professional critique of the poem you’ve shared.

Title: “Seeking Serenity”

This poem seems to explore themes of yearning, longing, and the pursuit of love. It employs a concise yet evocative style, capturing the reader’s attention with its brevity and emotional resonance. The language is simple, yet it conveys a depth of emotion and a sense of introspection.

Here are some specific points of critique and analysis:

1. Imagery and Descriptive Language:

• The opening lines set a contemplative tone, inviting readers to envision the speaker in a vulnerable state, spending time in bed and attuning to a certain energy. This creates an intimate atmosphere.
• The metaphor of spending cash and singing a song suggests a transactional aspect to the speaker’s efforts in reaching out or expressing emotions. However, the lack of a response implies a sense of unfulfillment or rejection.
• The mention of a beacon needing repair introduces a metaphorical element, hinting at the possibility of a broken connection or a need for self-improvement. This adds layers to the poem’s emotional landscape.

1. Rhyme and Rhythm:

• The poem follows a loose rhyme scheme and maintains a consistent rhythm, contributing to its lyrical quality. The repetition of the “me” and “be” sounds in the final lines creates a musicality that enhances the overall flow.

1. Theme and Message:

• The central theme revolves around the search for love and the belief that it has the power to liberate the speaker. The notion of freedom through love is a timeless and universal concept, providing a poignant undercurrent to the poem.
• The closing lines, “Your love will set me free / Just need to believe / Someday you’ll find me,” carry a message of hope and faith. The repetition of “someday” emphasizes the anticipation and perseverance in the speaker’s quest for love.

1. Suggestions for Improvement:

• While the simplicity of language is effective, consider incorporating more vivid and specific details to enhance the imagery and evoke a stronger emotional response from the reader.
• Experiment with different poetic devices such as metaphor, simile, or extended metaphor to add complexity and layers to the poem.
• Consider refining the metaphor of the beacon needing repair; providing additional details or developing this metaphor further could deepen the poem’s thematic richness.

Overall, the poem effectively captures the emotions associated with longing and the pursuit of love. With some refinements and further exploration of poetic devices, it has the potential to become an even more resonant and impactful piece.