He feels like shit this morning.

He thinks he knows why but befuddled thoughts race through his mind. Maybe it’s denial. Whenever he looks there, internally, it stings a little. There’s absolutely no logical reason for him to feel this way. Breathing in deeply the suburban air of his affluent New Jersey neighborhood, he looks up at the soaring oak trees that line his street and sighs. He wishes he brought his phone. He’d take a photo of the budding leaves dotting the outstretched limbs and caption it “#blessed” on Instagram.

His dog tugs him back into the moment to chase a squirrel up a tree. “Leave it!” he scolds.

Gratitude surges for a minute for all the things he has in his life, including this pain in the ass dog. Then the dark shadow rests on his shoulders again and he hunches. “Breathe,” he reminds himself. He exhales dejectedly. He breathes in and exhales more intently a second time, imagining the breath pulling from his stomach the knot that had settled in there.

As he rounds the next block, various scenes and turning points from his life flash through his mind in fast forward. In many ways, he is grateful for everything that led him to this moment. But riding that gratitude like ticks on a deer are the what ifs.

What if he hadn’t stayed? What if he hadn’t settled? What if he chose someone else?

He wishes there was a way to see where other decisions would have led him. A view into parallel universes without changing this one, for now. Would he be more wealthy in these other realities? More successful? Struggle less? One thing for sure—if he had gone home to the Philippines he would certainly have maids. At least in this respect, life would be easier.

As his modest house comes to view, he heaves a heavy sigh. He imagines a life where all his hard work as a human resources specialist in corporate America affords him a nicer house. A house with at least one other bathroom. If only his husband had more drive or ambition—or had a better ability to manage finances. And there it is. He sees that thought and turns away. He really doesn’t like what he sees when that happens. “Breathe,” he reminds himself again. “You have everything you need to be happy.”

As his spirit begins to lift, he knows exactly what triggered him this time. He should have never gone into Mint last night to look at his credit card balances before bed.